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Friday, March 28, 2003
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US Department of Laughs: The US government has a new website, http://www.ready.gov/. It's another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old "duck and cover" advice after WWII. The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations...
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Tuesday, March 18, 2003
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Michael Moore letter to Bush : "Dear Governor Bush: So today is what you call "the moment of truth," the day that "France and the rest of world have to show their cards on the table." I'm glad to hear that this day has finally arrived. Because, I gotta tell ya, having survived 440 days of your lying and conniving, I wasn't sure if I could take much more. So I'm glad to hear that today is Truth Day, 'cause I got a few truths I would like to share with you:"
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Sunday, March 16, 2003
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2003 State of the Universe Address - By Swami Beyondananda: "I have to be blunt here -- the folks we have in charge are fossils fueled by fossil fuels. And in the reptilian brain, problems aren't solved, they're attacked. Like the War on Poverty. Remember that? I'm happy to report that it's finally over. The poor people have all surrendered. And take the War on Drugs -- please! How many billions have they spent? My solution is cheaper and more effective ... improve reality!
Now we have the War on Terrorism. We're going to terrorize those terrorists into giving up terrorism if it's the last thing we do! And it just might be. The good news is -- and I have it on the Highest Authority -- there will indeed be peace on Earth. Whether we humans are around to enjoy it, that is up to us...
... the folks we have in charge are fossils fueled by fossil fuels. And in the reptilian brain, problems aren't solved, they're attacked. Like the War on Poverty. Remember that? I'm happy to report that it's finally over. The poor people have all urrendered. And take the War on Drugs -- please! How many billions have they spent? My solution is cheaper and more effective ... improve reality!
Now we have the War on Terrorism. We're going to terrorize those terrorists into giving up terrorism if it's the last thing we do! And it just might be. The good news is -- and I have it on the Highest Authority -- there will indeed be peace on Earth. Whether we humans are around to enjoy it, that is up to us.
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Friday, March 14, 2003
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Thursday, March 13, 2003
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Tuesday, February 11, 2003
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VIETNAM 2 PREFLIGHT CHECK
1. Cabal of oldsters who won't listen to outside advice? Check.
2. No understanding of ethnicities of the many locals? Check.
3. Imposing country boundaries drawn in Europe, not by the locals? Check.
4. Unshakeable faith in our superior technology? Check
5. France secretly hoping we fall on our asses? Check.
6. Russia secretly hoping we fall on our asses? Check.
7. China secretly hoping we fall on our asses? Check.
8. SecDef pushing a conflict the JCS never wanted? Check.
9. Fear we'll look bad if we back down now? Check.
10. Corrupt Texan in the WH? Check.
11. Land war in Asia? Check.
12. Right unhappy with outcome of previous war? Check.
13. Enemy easily moves in/out of neighboring countries? Check.
14. Soldiers about to be dosed with *our own* chemicals? Check.
15. Friendly fire problem ignored instead of solved? Check.
16. Anti-Americanism up sharply in Europe? Check.
17. B-52 bombers? Check.
18. Helicopters that clog up on the local dust? Check.
19. In-fighting among the branches of the military? Check.
20. Locals that cheer us by day, hate us by night? Check.
21. Local experts ignored? Check.
22. Local politicians ignored? Check.
23. Locals used to conflicts lasting longer than the USA has been a country? Check.
24. Against advice, Prez won't raise taxes to pay for war? Check.
25. Blue water navy ships operating in brown water? Check.
26. Use of nukes hinted at if things don't go our way? Check.
27. Unpopular war? Check.
VIETNAM 2 YOU ARE CLEARED TO TAXI
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Nachman' for Jan. 29: SPENCER: Oh they can protest whatever they want. And what's upsetting to me is that the United States, our people, the reason we're such a great country is because we hold dear the right to protest, to question our government. And I really feel like a lot of this movement has hijacked that right to advance their own political agenda.
When you strip away the communists and the socialists, the environmentalists, the anarchists, and those who are just there for the beer and the babes, the skeleton of actual antiwar protesters really isn't that big. So I think we have to take it with a grain of salt what this movement actually is.
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Wednesday, February 05, 2003
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Monty Python's Terry Jones on pre-emptive strikes: "For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.
As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people.
Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace...."
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Tuesday, February 04, 2003
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Signs at anti-war marches:
Drunken frat boy drives country into ditch.
Bush/Cheney: Malice in Blunderland
Who would Jesus bomb?
War begins with 'Dubya'.
Bush is proof that empty warheads can be dangerous.
Let's bomb Texas, they have oil too.
How did our oil get under their sand?
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
If you can't pronounce it, don't bomb it.
Daddy, can I start the war now?
1000 points of light and one dim bulb.
Sacrifice our SUV's, not our children.
Preemptive impeachment.
No George, I said Mac Attack.
Frodo has failed, Bush has the ring.
Look, I'll pay more for gas!
He is a moron and a bully.
It's the stupid economy.
Draft Richard Perle.
Draft dodgers shouldn't start wars.
War is sweet to those who haven't tasted it (Erasmus).
Pillow fights only.
Our grief [over 9/11] is not a cry for war.
Different Bush, same shit.
Stop the Bushit.
"Just war"/just oil.
You don't have to like Bush to love America.
Bushes are for pissing on.
Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld: the asses of evil.
$1 billion a day to kill people -- what a bargain.
Consume -- Consume -- Bomb -- Bomb -- Consume -- Consume
What's the difference between me & God? He might forgive Bush, but I won't.
Smush Bush.
America, get out of the Bushes.
It's time to trim the Bush.
Pro-lifers: Wake from Bush's propaganda spell -- war kills innocent children.
Don't make me come back here [to a peace rally] again.
Disarm Bush too.
Big brother isn't coming -- he's already here.
Empires fall.
An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind (Gandhi).
Impeach the squatters.Mainstream white guys for peace. (Sign held by three mainstream-looking white guys)
Hans Blix -- look over here.
Let Exxon send its own troops.
Curious, George? -- get a clue.
Destroy Florida. [It could happen again]
There's a terrorist behind every Bush.
How many bodies per mile?
SUV owners roll over for terrorism.
We can't afford to rule the world.
War is so 20th century!
9-11-01: 15 Saudis, 0 Iraqis.
While you were watching the war, Bush was raping America.
Don't waive your rights while waving your flag.
Leave Desert Storm to the desert.
Drop Bush not bombs.
Bush is to Christianity as Osama is to Islam.
I asked for universal health care and all I got was this lousy stealth bomber.
America's problems won't be solved in Iraq.
War is not a family value.
[2 sided poster] one side has a picture of a chubby feline, with the words: GOOD FAT CAT other side has a picture of Cheney, with the words: BAD FAT CAT
Colorfully dressed drag queen carrying a sign that says: I am the bomb.
[Picture of the peace symbol:] back by popular demand.
A picture of Bush with a red-stained upper lip: Got blood?
A picture of Bush saying "Why should I care what the American people think? They didn't vote for me."
A picture of Bush saying "Ask me about my lobotomy." Beneath a picture of Osama bin Laden dressed as Uncle Sam:
I want YOU to bomb Iraq.
Beneath a picture of a menacing soldier pointing his rifle/bayonet toward the viewer: "Say it! One Nation under God. Say it!"
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Tuesday, January 28, 2003
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An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." "The other wolf is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too." The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee replied, "The one you feed."
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Tuesday, December 24, 2002
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Bill Of Rights Pared Down To A Manageable Six: "We're not taking away personal rights; we're increasing personal security," Ashcroft said... thanks to several key additions, the Bill of Rights now offers protections that were previously lacking, including the right to be protected by soldiers quartered in one's home (Amendment III)"
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Sunday, December 15, 2002
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3 Wise Woman: What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
-they would have asked for directions.
-helped deliver the baby.
-clean the stable.
-brought practical gifts.
-and made a casserole.
But, what would they have said as they left....?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"I hear Joseph isn't working right now."
"And that donkey they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Virgin my *%@$! I knew her in school."
"That baby doesn't look a bit like Joseph!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take before you get your casserole dish back?"
"Did you see that Drummer boy? He can beat my drum anytime!"
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Saturday, December 14, 2002
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Saturday, November 30, 2002
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If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq. ....
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Wednesday, November 20, 2002
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HU'S ON FIRST By James Sherman
Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I¹m telling you.
George: That's what I¹m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
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Wednesday, November 13, 2002
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Erik H. Thoreson | Bush Liberates Europe!: "Bush intends "to extend the benefits of liberty and prosperity through the spread of American values and tangible rewards for good governance." Discussion and speculation abound. What will the new Americanized Europe look like?...
After more than half a century of high-quality, universal and equal healthcare treatment for all, Norwegians will adopt the more elegant pay-as-you-go American system. The best medicine will be reserved for those who can afford it. Those who can't will either join a limited service, for-profit HMO or simply go without healthcare. After all, who said healthcare was a right? It is a privilege for those who have earned the right to pay for it....
To improve their safety and allow them to defend their personal property, Europeans will be encouraged to own and carry handguns, assault rifles and any other weapons they want. There is little doubt Europe will be the "safer" place promised by Bush once capital punishment returns"
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Wednesday, October 30, 2002
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Sunday, August 04, 2002
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If Airlines Sold Paint...: "...
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday. ... "
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Friday, June 28, 2002
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SatireWire | REMAINING U.S. CEOs MAKE A BREAK FOR IT "Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense."
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Sunday, June 16, 2002
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Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshiper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed" and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."
Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives identified only as the "Wise Men". Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. Some journalists have speculated that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah may have been to divert attention away from God's political problems.
If these allegations prove to be true, this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Known for his fiery oratory, God has sometimes been criticized for his political theatrics, as when he introduced the bill he styled "The Ten Commandments" by appearing as a burning bush on the Senate floor. Regardless of the outcome of the investigation, however, it is unlikely that a sitting God can be removed from power. Most legal scholars are in agreement that indicting God would constitute taking His name in vain.
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Thursday, June 06, 2002
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Why the _______s Hate the _______s by Michael Gerber and Jonathan Schwarz:
A Guide to Ethnic and Religious Strife Through All Human History.
1. They stole our _______!
2. At the Battle of _______ in the _______ Century, they used unfair tactics to defeat us. We cannot rest until the souls of our dead are avenged.
3. Their religion is absurd. Offensive, really—did you know they actually believe __________? And they won't be happy until EVERYBODY believes it!
4. While it's not "politically correct" to say so, science has proven them to be _______.
etc...
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Wednesday, June 05, 2002
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Sexual Tension Between Arafat, Sharon Reaches Breaking Point "The long-simmering sexual tension between Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat finally reached a breaking point Monday, culminating in a passionate kiss before a shocked delegation of Mideast negotiators. "You always got the feeling that there was something more behind all the anger and tension," said European Union Foreign Policy Chief Javier Solana. "They wouldn't agree on anything, even though their people were dying, locked in this unending conflict. It never made sense—until now."Continued Solana: "All that repressed passion. And neither of them would admit it to the other... or to themselves.""
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Friday, May 24, 2002
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Administratium: "Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it Administratium.
Administratium has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It has, however, 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons and 111 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally have occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a proportion of the deputy neutrons, assistant neutrons, and deputy assistant neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually INCREASE over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass." You will recognize it when it occurs.
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Saturday, May 11, 2002
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Here is a wonderful moment from the Nixon tapes that captures Nixon re Jews, others, and his general obtuseness. Mitchell and Nixon are considering Rehnquist for a Supreme Court seat:
N: Incidentally, what is Rehnquist? I suppose he is a damn Protestant?
M: I'm sure of that. He's just WASPish as WASPish can be.
N: Yeah, well, that's too damn bad. Tell him to change his religion.
M: All right, I'll get him baptized this afternoon.
N: Well, baptized and castrated, no, they don't do that, I mean they cirucmci-, no that's the Jews. Well anyway, however he is, get him changed
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Tuesday, May 07, 2002
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Thursday, April 04, 2002
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Hidden Plague of Alcohol Abuse by the Elderly: "Hidden because its symptoms often mimic or are masked by common physical and mental infirmities of aging. Hidden because doctors rarely ask about when and how much their older patients drink or what effect alcohol may have on their lives. Hidden because older people and their relatives are often in denial about the extent and effects of their drinking habits. Hidden because the amount of alcohol now causing trouble had no untoward social or physical effects in middle age. Hidden because many of the hallmarks of excessive drinking â014 like missing work or being noticeably intoxicated â014 may not be noticed among retirees who live alone."
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Google Technology: "Building upon the breakthrough work of B. F. Skinner... reasoned that low cost pigeon clusters (PCs) could be used to compute the relative value of web pages faster than human editors or machine-based algorithms. "
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Saturday, March 30, 2002
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Help Kenny's Kids: "With Enron bankrupt, and Ken Lay no longer able to generously support those who made him what he is today, many poor, sorrowful politicians have been been left horribly deprived. Please consider the awful plight of the terribly needy men and women shown below. Send a note to show you care, and we'll donate a penny to campaign finance reform. "
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Monday, March 25, 2002
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Dear Dr Laura, "I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?"
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Monday, March 18, 2002
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Jewish Haikus: "After the warm rain, the sweet scent of camellias. Did you wipe your feet?"
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Monday, March 04, 2002
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War News: "French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan To Convince Taleban of Non-Existence of God "
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The Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook: "Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word cake. I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for dessert."
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towboat: "Do not try this at home. Remember, this is a professional captain." - a sequence of 17 large photos, so don't try viewing this page with a modem connection.
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Tuesday, February 19, 2002
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WHAT'S AMORE?
When the moon hits your eye / Like a big pizza pie / That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand / And that's not what you planned / That's a moray.
When our habits are strange / And our customs deranged / That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw / And the bales total four / That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife / She gets stabbed with a knife / That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight / Used a sword in a fight / That's Samurai.
(Author Unknown)
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President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar when a guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WWIII."
And the guy replies, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush answers, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis, Iranians, and Afghanis this time and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaims, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?" Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder, and says, "See, smart ass, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis, Iranians, and Afghanis."
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Monday, February 18, 2002
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